Gollum's Pie
by Aryelweb
Summary: The Pie Lady recounts her tale with her therapist, involving pie, plastic rings, and fish. Rated for swearing.


OK, peeps, this is the story about Gollum's pie. Keep in mind that this is a one shot, that the main characters are OCs, and that the only LOTR character in it is Gollum, and he isn't the main character. Before you flame me, read it. I would have put this on fictionpress, but Gollum ain't mine.

R+R, and don't flame. I often say this, but I'll say it again – I write for my own enjoyment. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM IS WELCOMED! There's a difference between that and flames. :)

I posted this on deviantArt, as well, (I'm Fluffysilver there) so this has some MINOR modifications.

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I only wished he would stop eating my pie. Of course, SOMETHING melodramatic just HAD to happen when I requested him to stop, but he just hunched protectively over it and hissed at me. Oh, stuff him and his stage show.

'Look,' I said to the half-naked thing. 'I made that pie for a special dinner tonight! Can't you just bugger off?'

Gollum hissed at me again. That pie was worse than the One Ring, honestly. He wouldn't eat anyone else's pies. Oh no, he had to pick on me… maybe because I'm known as "The Pie Lady", or "That weird old bat with the overactive imagination."

'DAMMIT GOLLUM!' I screamed. I stomped out of the room, leaving him to devour MY pies in pease.

It's not fun when you walk into your house and find a fictional character having raided your fridge. I've no more fish left, but then Gollum discovered my famous pies. So, I've got the fish he usually likes (unless I make fish pie for him for dinner), but my customers have noticed that my pies have been in rather short supply. Mrs Herbert especially, she usually orders five pies a week, one for every lunchtime her son worked. Her son adored my pies, but Mrs Herbert made it obvious that _she_ didn't. She sniffed at me all the time. Get a tissue, please!

Gollum, unfortunately, thought the same as her son. Luckilly it was Saturday, so I still had tomorrow to bake some more dratted pies, but I had to make one for tonight, still. I had only a few hours. I should have procrastinated, this is probably one of the few times it's actually healthy to. You get pie as a reward.

I thought of something, so I crept back into the kitchen to make a deal with Gollum. I'd make him a fish flavoured pie if he didn't eat any others for the rest of the day. Oops, too late! As I arrived in the kitchen I noticed had been ruined in the twenty seconds I was gone. Gollum had managed to get through the childproof lock again, to the oven. Drat. Now what was I going to do about dinner? My boyfriend and his sister (aka my best friend) and HER boyfriend were coming over. They liked my pies more than Mrs Herbert's son did, and that was saying something.

Of course, they didn't know about Gollum. Rather, I tried to tell them, but they didn't believe me. They just thought I had put beer into my most recent pie then, too much beer they said.

Drat.

Maybe the bakery would let me use their oven if I bribed them. Ignoring the sticky tracks on the carpet leading behind the sofa, I grabbed my keys and walked outside the apartment, after grabbing a box (which had a computer mouse on the cover, but actually contained two unbaked pies) and set out.

To make a long story short, my boyfriend was over there and helped me convince the baker to let me borrow an oven, but he still didn't believe my Gollum story and thought I had lost the key to my oven.

Obviously it never occurred to him why I had a lock on the oven in the first place, and that the key was with my door key in my pocket.

Meh.

Anyway, I spent the rest of the day out until the pie baked, and I collected it just and arrived home in time to see my boyfriend and his sister outside my front door. I apologised for being late and let them in, hoping they wouldn't notice Gollum's tracks on the carpet in the living room. They did, so I told them whose fault it was. Yep, they didn't believe me, but I pretended to agree with Melissa's theory that a possum with large feet had got in. I cleaned them up, as Melissa went to the door to let her boyfriend in, who had just come. His name was James. My boyfriend's name was Jeran.

We talked for an hour, Gollum hiding, as usual, probably caressing the plastic ring I got him, and then it was time to eat. I reheated the pie with shifty eyes, (Jeran joked that there was a pie ninja about. He obviously didn't know he was right.) and then put it on the table along with a salad for Melissa, my friend, who was (regretfully, in her opinion) a vegetarian. I hadn't checked what pies I had taken out.

'Wow, Teresa,' said James, after cramming a mouthful into his mouth. 'You make really good pie, as usual, I should really persuade my boss to let me have a break at the times your shop is open. You should open it for more than an hour a day!'

Jeran agreed enthusiastically, but he got pie whenever he comes over, the greedy bastard. He comes over way more often than James does, because he's my boyfriend and not my friend's.

Melissa looked at me. 'Oh, stuff it, just this one time,' she said. She ended up having a piece of the fish pie, which I had forgotten could be a magnet for trouble.

'Meh,' she shrugged when James cast her a look. 'Most vegetarians eat fish anyway.'

'Then why do they call themselves vegetarians?' I joked.

There was still half a fish pie left when we finished. The salad was gone, as well as the chicken pie and the tomato sauce, but I should have encouraged everyone to finish the fish pie.

For we were invaded.

'ATTACK, MY PRECIOUS!'

Oh great. Melissa flinched as a plastic ring rebounded off the pie plate and hit her nose and disappeared behind Gollum's hideaway, also known as the sofa. He'd search for his Precious later.

'HOLY SHIT, THERE'S A GANGLY THING EATING THE PIE!' Jeran screeched.

'NOW, Jeran, do you believe me about Gollum?' I sighed.

'Uh, Teresa, can't really help it now. It's kinda obvious.'

I sighed.

'So the possums around here _aren't_ obese,' pondered Melissa, rubbing her nose and ignoring James who was flapping his arms about and shrieking. He had a phobia of anything with gangly legs, mainly Gollum and spiders. Jeran just gave him a weird look (Gollum, not James) whilst I banged my head against the table.

'I only wished he would stop eating my pie,' I said, exasperated.

Well, Dr whateveryournameis, there's my story. That's why I beat up people who are LOTR fanatics. Such a sweet story, uh-huh?

What did you say about hospitalisation?

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There it is! R+R, you know the drill.


End file.
